19 days later…

The following is a verbatim transcription spoken by Robert Paulson; written by professional stenographer, Jules Winnfield:

My dear friends,

I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for my two and a half week absence. It was not my idea to leave my avid readers in such difficult economic times. Now that I have returned I have gone over the recent national, economic, and market news and I am angry and truly baffled by the recent events. However, I understand that some may have ill feelings towards me because I was not here to guide them during such a distressing crisis. Maybe if I explain the circumstances that caused my absence it will help you better understand.

On November 5, 2008, the day after the celebrated Obama win over what’s-his-name, I woke up with my head throbbing in excruciating pain. I awoke sitting in a chair, in an extremely cold, pitch dark room. My hands were tied behind my back and my feet tied together. I will not lie to you, I was scared shitless. I didn’t know where I was or what had happened to me. The last thing I remembered was being at an Obama party the night before, making out with my neighbor’s 17 year old daughter in her room. I still can’t remember a thing after that, until I awoke tied up.

I started to scream, “HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!” But no one came. I was sitting there for hours in urine/shit soaked pants. Then finally the door to the room opened and a large man walked in. The room was too dark so I could not make out his face, but I could see that he was holding a wrench in one hand, and a long metal pipe in the other. I tried to explain to him, “What do you want? I haven’t done anything! You must have the wrong guy!” The man gave a grunt and hit me in the stomach with the pipe. I fell to my knees gasping for air, “Please…I didn’t…wrong…guy.” He grabbed me by the shirt and sat me back down in the chair. He started beating me with his wrench, as if I was a frozen steak that needed tenderizing. Blood was pouring out of my mouth and tears were running down my face. I cried like a child that Michael Jackson had won custody over. He finally stopped and took a few steps back towards the door.

The door opened and another person walked in and looked over at the man and said, “Good job Joseph, you will be rewarded for your loyalty.” I started to scream and cry louder than ever before. I fell over and started to bang my head against the floor.

The large man picked me up and said, “What do you think you are doing? If you die, it’ll be by our hands.”

I responded, “But…But…that noise. What was that? That horrific, vile, deafening noise! Please beat me as much as you want, but please do not let her speak again! No one can take that annoying, small-town, Martha Generic-like voice!”

The large man bent over and whispered into my ear, “I know…Just take these, they will help block out the accent.” He pulled out some cotton balls and stuffed them into my ears. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel the woman’s condemning glare. She walked over the wall and tried to flip on the light switch, but nothing turned on.

She flipped it on and off and then said “Why the hell isn’t this light working?! Joseph, I thought I told you to fix this!”

The large man (Joseph) replied, “I did, but I accidently hit the bulb when I was working on him. But don’t worry, I can fix this.”

He reached into his tool belt and pulled out a flashlight. He turned it on and shinned it onto his head. The whole room was instantly lit up by the reflection from his hairless head. I was truly stunned by the two people standing in front of me. One was the infamous Joe the Plumber and the other was the Alaskan hockey mom, Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin walked over to me and whispered into my ear, “So you think you can write blogs about me and just get away with it? Hah, we will see…”

She grabbed the wrench from Joe and hit me across the head which left me unconscious.

I awoke again with a familiar throbbing headache. Joe was standing on a step ladder replacing the broken bulb, while Palin was standing in a corner practicing throwing a spear at a baby seal.

Palin looked over at me, seeing that I was awake, and smiled, then looked back at the seal. She threw the spear and hit the seal in the neck. She then went over and cupped the seal’s blood into her hand and brought it to her mouth and drank. I looked away in disgust. She rubbed the blood all around her mouth and face; even Joe looked like he wanted to gag.

She laughed and said, “Baby seal’s blood has secret anti-aging powers that us Alaskan’s have known for years. It works wonders.”

I responded, “Whatever you say, just let me go. I haven’t done anything! People will know I’m gone!”

She laughed again, “They may know you are gone, but they will never find you here. This icy land has been forgotten and deserted by outsiders. No one will ever know you are here.”

“North Dakota?”

“No you moron! Alaska!”

Not knowing where she was talking about I said, “Umm…Alaska? Right…That’s what I meant to say.” I looked over at Joe the Plumber with a confused look. However he shrugged his shoulders as if to say ‘No idea where the hell she is talking about.’

“ALASKA, YOU IDIOTS! THE 49^TH STATE! THE BIGGEST STATE IN THE U.S.!”

Joe replied, “I thought Canada was our biggest state…?”

I nodded my head in agreement. Sarah Palin walked over to Joe and slapped him across the face. She punched me hard in the gut.

She walked around the room in a circle trying to calm down and gather her thoughts. “Robert, you may be wondering why you are here. Well, I’m going to ask you nicely to stop your little blog… I do not appreciate the negative remarks you are making about Joe and myself. If you delete every post about me, I promise I will let you go.” Joe put a TV stand in front of me and a laptop on top. “Go ahead and type in your username and password and delete the posts.”

“OK, fine, you win. I’ll do what you want,” I said as I coughed up blood.

Joe untied the rope that had my hands tied. My hands started to tremble as I reached over to the keyboard. I typed in my username (MarkyMarkandtheFunkyBunch08) and my password (zeldaishot) and made sure to unclick ‘remember me’ and tabbed over to my comments. Being a ‘master-elite wordpresser’ I was able to quickly type a new comment faster than they could stop me, saying “SARAH PALIN KIDNAPPED ME! HELP!” I then quickly hit ‘alt f4’ which closed the screen and logged me out. Joe punched me across the face and Palin quickly grabbed the laptop to see if she could still log in. She looked up at me with rage.

“Fine…if that is the way you want to play it, we will just have to make you do it! You will be begging me to let you write a 13 page apology! I will not allow there to be a blog, THIS popular, have harmful comments about me! I am the Governor of Alaska, you will respect me! Joe, take care of him!”

Joe reached over and tied my hands to the chair’s arms. He looked at me and said, “Delete the posts!” However, I just looked up and shook my head. He took his metal pipe and smashed my fingers. I yelped in pain. Tears started to stroll down my face again. He just looked at me and said “Delete the posts!” I closed my eyes tight and shook my head again. He smashed the pipe down on the other hand. I could hear the bones breaking in my hand, and the blood poured down. The pain was too much for me to handle. Everything became blurry as Joe said again, “Delete the posts!” I tried to shake my head but everything went black and I passed out again.

I woke up to Palin and Joe talking in the corner. I could hear Joe ask, “He knows who kidnapped him, how can we just let him go after he deletes the posts on his blog?”

Palin whispered, “Who said anything about letting him go? Once he does what we want, you are going to shut him up once and for all.”

“Wait, you never said anything about killing him! I can’t; I don’t have it in me.”

To this Palin responded, “Well you better man-up Joseph. If you want that reality TV show and movie deal, you better act like you have a pair.”

Joe tried to plead, “But…I…” Seeing that Palin was not going to change her mind about this subject he responded, “Fine, I’ll do it. Just make sure you get Michael Chiklis to play me in the movie.”

I quickly put my head back down as I saw Palin looking my way, “Go wake his ass up.”

Joe walked over to me and grabbed me by the shoulders and started to shake me, “WAKE UP!”

“Why are you waking me? I was having a nice dream about raising taxes on small businesses making over $250k,” I said with a big grin.

Joe hit me repeatedly across the face. My eyes were almost completely swollen shut, and could feel that my nose was bent to the left. Sarah Palin finally stepped in, “Joe that’s enough. We don’t want him completely incoherent and not be able to delete the posts.”

I spit out some teeth and blood and said, “You can do whatever you want to me! I will never delete them! The world will know that you are a stupid-small town-Russia watching-hockey playing-sled riding-no experience-red jacket wearing-Wayne Gretzky banging ESKIMO that blew McCain to the top! And Joe…you are nothing more than a plumber; that’s insult enough.”

Sarah Palin grabbed the spear that was lodged into the baby seal and jumped across the room to stab me. Joe quickly intercepted her and held her back. Sarah was truly mad with fury. Joe whispered to her, “Remember, we need him alive for now. We can’t allow a popular blog to desecrate us like that.”

Palin threw the spear to the ground and walked over the other side of the room with her back turned away from me, shaking her head. She turned back around and said, “Fine Robert, if you don’t want to delete the posts then we will just have to make sure you don’t write anymore. You’ve seen how bad things can get and how quick they can get that way. Well, they can get a whole lot worse! So we’re NOT GONNA FIGHT ANY MORE! FIRST……”

BOOM!

One of the walls blew away and smashed Sarah Palin into the opposite wall. Joe and I were left with our jaws dropped. A cloud of dust filled the room. I saw a dark shadowy figure enter the room from the massive hole in the wall.

I half expected an ‘OHH YEAHH!’ to come from him. I spoke up, “Kool-Aid Man? Is that you?”

I heard a manly chuckle come from the shadowy figure, “Haha, no Robert, not the Kool-Aid Man. It is me; I’ve come to save you.”

The dust cleared and my jaw dropped lower than before. Standing before me was no other than Presidential Elect Barack Obama. He stood there with one leg propped up on some rubble, pointing his M16 at Joe the Plumber with one hand and holding a Rambo knife in his other. He had a bandana tied across his forehead and war paint smeared on his face.

“How did you find me?” I asked.

“Well that was easy. I saw the post on your blog saying that Sarah Palin had kidnapped you. From there, I triangulated the IP address that posted the comment and used satellite cover to look at the area. I was able to see Sarah Palin outside of this complex, near the water, beating a baby seal over the head repeatedly. I jumped in my X-35 Joint Strike Fighter and flew over here as fast as I could.”

“Wait, you read my blog?” I asked confused.

“Of course I do. Where else would I get my news from? Everyone in Washington reads it. I often read your posts to my two daughters for their bedtime story.”

I looked at him with awe, “Sweet…”

Obama untied me and took Joe into custody. He flew me back to the U.S. (Alaska doesn’t count) and I spent the next couple weeks in a hospital.

It will take me a couple more weeks for me to be able to type myself, so for the time being I have Jules Winnfield writing down all my posts. I hope you now understand why I have been gone for the past few weeks. I will be at full capacity when my hands are heal.

HELP

SARAH PALIN KIDNAPPED ME! HELP!

Enthymeme

Obama won = McCain lost = Palin sad = finding out your teenage daughter is pregnant = Juno = Kitty Pryde from X-Men movie = Professor X = Patrick Stewart = playing Joe the plumber’s father in the upcoming movie = Joe the plumber

Damn it. Even Obama winning = Joe the plumber. We will never rid ourselves of him.

Ode to Election

In 24 hours, the polls will close

It will be the start of a new beginning, I suppose

Either Obama or McCain will win this race

If McCain wins, I swear I’ll rip off Palin’s ’small town’ face

I’ll bust my hand through her chest and beat her with her own spinal cord

I’ll even run her husband over with my Accord

All 5 of her children will feel my anger

Even Bristol, but only while I bang her

We all know that Bristol is a freak

I won’t stop hittin’ that, until I reach my peak

Fuck Palin, let’s get back to people who are causing this fuss

What kind of change will Obama bring us?

Obama is black, I think that’s pretty clear

Run white people, run, you should start to fear

Ten bucks says that payback will be a bitch

As Bush would say “He has a scratch to itch”

He’ll put you to work, in a Texas plantation

And turn this country into a west-side “gangsta nation”

All joking aside, do I really even have a choice?

The Republican Party will surely crush my voice

Four years ago they screwed Kerry and eight years ago Gore

And what was a skinny, sane vice president became a tree hugging whore

I wish, oh how I wish for there to be a clean election

But that’s like asking John McCain to sustain a 2 minute erection

So tomorrow when you’re out there, making you’re decision

Close your eyes, spread your thighs and prepare for a violent circumcision.

Baldness is a disease.

I am, along with the rest of the nation, getting gored in the ass by this economy. Prices are high, the market is low, banks can’t pay student loans, companies are going bankrupt, families are going bankrupt, and wars are being fought for nothing. Our nation seems to be slipping. However, there is one person that is thriving in this crappy economy. This man:

That’s right, Joe ‘the Plumber’. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am sick and tired of seeing and hearing about him. Joe has gotten more advertisement since from Presidential Debate than McCain and Obama put together. Nike broke off their contract with Tiger Woods so they could have Joe the Plumber on their commercials plunging a toilet while wearing Nike Shox. I saw a child at the park building a plunger out of Legos and eating out of a Joe the Plumber lunchbox. I rightfully smacked the shit out of the child and shipped his ass to Neverland Ranch. Children no longer play Cowboys vs Indians; instead they play Joe the plumber vs shit clogged toilet. I’m so pissed that he is everywhere. If anyone dares to make a fucking reality TV show called “Who wants the marry a plumber,” so help me God, I will fucking call on the power of Hercules and the world will know my wrath. No man, woman, or child will be safe from my fury. The earth will tremble under my rage. The sky will turn black, magma will spill out of the Space Needle, planes will crash, cats will bark, Richard Simmons will return, and all the water on earth will dry up and everyone will have to live off an endless supply of R. Kelly piss. Fuck you VH1, I know you are probably already in the midst of making a reality show.

Within the next 10 years they will make a movie about his life. They have already titled it, The Man who saved a Nation. Larry David has agreed to direct and they pulled together a cast:

Michael Chiklis will star as Joe

Patrick Stewart will star as Joe’s father

Verne Troyer will star as Joe’s son

Britney Spears will star as Joe’s wife

Mr. Clean will star as his faithful mentor

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!

Ben Kingsley will cameo as Joe six-pack. Joe six-pack will be at the end of the credits and come up to Joe the plumber and tell him about a team they are starting called the Avenger Initiative.

I fucking hate you Joe and all that you stand for.

I decided that it would be a better alternative then getting conked in the ass

I voted today. I’ve never been much of a voter before (I know, shame on me), but this election is going to be extremely important and I feel that it is my civil duty to insure democracy (it’s less expensive then spending 5 years running ‘a muk’ in random foreign countries, and then going on national television misquoting famous sayings that Bristol Palin’s unborn child can quote correctly*).

Alright fine; I can’t lie to my avid readers. I didn’t vote for democratic reasons. My reasons were, more or less, a life or death choice. Let me back track a little to explain the real reason I voted:

So yesterday I was channel surfing and I came across some broadcast with Sean Combs (P. Diddy/Puff Daddy/Puffy/Diddy/Diddy Kong Racing). He had a shirt with the words “Vote or Die” on it and kept saying that either “you vote or you die.” I’m not racist or anything, but when a rich powerful black man says to do something or you will fucking die a terrible death that probably consists of “conking” some part of your body, you fucking do it.

So yeah, I voted for my life.

*Misquote I was talking about: “There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”

This shit must weigh atleast 150 courics.

Currently its mid day trading on October 10, 2008. We are down about 300+ points on the Dow. So if we close down today it’ll be the 8th day in a row that we have been down. It is kind of like when you are taking a shit and you are about to start wiping away because you think you are done, but then all of the sudden you feel a rumbling in your stomach that you’ve never felt before and you can feel the sweat beading off your forehead. You can feel your hands start to tremble as you grab a hold of the sink and you start screaming random shit that doesn’t make sense (“BUTTERSCOTCH MUSHROOM BANANAS!!”). Your eyes start to bulge and you may even pop a blood vessel. Because the shit just keeps coming out. It floods out of you like the ‘04 Indian Ocean tsunami, crushing everything in its path. You feel that there is no end to this massive shit, because it just keeps coming out. And you feel extra gross cause the toilet water (filled with your shit and piss) splashed up and hit your ass crack.

That’s my metaphor on how our past 8 trading days have been. Take it or leave it.

Isaac Newton is a douche.

Physics 101: What goes up must come down; basic law of gravity. If Newton were alive today, he would be getting blow jobs left and right for proving once again that his (fucking) theory works not just when it comes to gravity. A year ago today we saw a massive bull market when we hit an all time high of 14,279.96. That was probably the time where we should have taken a big chunk of our positions out. Today we closed at 8579.19. That’s a 40% drop YTD. 20%, of that 40%, we have lost in the past 7 trading days. C’MON! ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! Why couldn’t Newton figure out something trivial like that girls are more likely to put out if you get they’re asleep and drugged up.

You may be asking, since that glorious day of 14,279 what has happened? Well…massive banks, insurance companies, and mortgage companies have failed. For example, AIG, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Lehman Bros, Wachovia, Merrill Lynch, Bear Stearns, Washington Mutual, etc. All of those, along with others, have either fallen or been sold off to other companies. So now you’re asking me, “Have we hit a bottom in the market, or do we still have a lot more ‘flushing out’ to do?” Well, I have a question for you, “How the fuck should I know?” People keep calling bottoms left and right, saying that we hit a bottom today or that the bottom will come at 7,348 on November 19 at 1:57PM (I’m utterly confused how people are pulling these numbers out of their asses). No one really knows when we will hit a bottom. It may be today, it may be a year from now. If you are thinking about investing just ask yourself these questions, ‘Do I think that the US and world markets have the ability to recover at its current condition? After everything we have been through this past year, do we have the capability to come back to a strong bull market? Can we push through this, or are we going to keep falling until we come up with a solution to our economic problems?’ Another thing, there is no way to purchase at a bottom because no one knows when that bottom is. You will always purchase above the bottom. In this economy do you really think you can rely on a magic 8 ball to do your trading?

Sorry, I seemed to have gotten a little sidetracked there. The point of this post was to call Newton a stupid cunt. I want go back in time with Doc Brown’s DeLorean DMC-12 and hit Newton across the face with my 850 page Calculus book and shove a reflecting telescope in his urethra.

American History X (note: the black guy shoots the white guy in the end)

Currently watching the Presidential Debate:

McCain, it is probably not your best move to mention that the richest man in the world, Warren Buffet, supports Obama and thinks you are an old fuck (paraphrasing).

Obama, “now I have to correct Senator McCain’s history, not surprisingly.” = “You are an old fuck, take some Alzheimer’s pills.”

McCain you know the economy like I know sex.

Brokaw your jokes remind me of a aborted fetus, let the candidates debate.

McCain, “Obama was wrong about Russia.” I forgot, how did the Republican’s plan with Iraq end up?

McCain just called Obama “that one.” Yeah, you’ll go down in history just like Abe Lincoln.

So if McCain knows how to get Bin Laden and knows where the hell he is, WHY HAVEN’T YOU SAID ANYTHING?! 4-1 odds that McCain is working with Bin Laden, I’ll be handling bets.

The only thing you learned from your Chief Petty officer is how to close your eyes and imagine you are in a happy place…(not talking about “how to be a POW”)

Meh, this debate wasn’t as good as the last one. I’ll keep you posted.

Four more years of Bush!

Today Bush pledged that we are “going to come through this,” while talking about the economic crisis that is raping Americans. “We have been through tough times before and we’re going to come through this again.” I’m surprised he knew of any tough times we’ve been through considering he has had 74 trips to his Crawford ranch, for a total of 466 days. So out of the 8 years he has been our president, he has spent over 1/8th of that time milking cows and fucking roosters. Good thing that McCain doesn’t have a bunch of houses that he can run off to whenever we are in the midst of a crisis…oh wait.

Back Door Sluts 10: The VP Debate

Currently I am watching the VP Debate:

Sarah Palin looks like she is going to cry as she is getting skull fucked by Biden. He is grabbing her by her “small town” pigtails and ramming his body into her face. She is yet to answer any of the questions clearly.

Now she is trying to answer these foreign policy questions. She is going up against the freaking chairman of the U.S. Senate Committee on Foreign Relations, good luck maybe all those trips to hockey practice will help her out.

Why does she keep talking about Alaska? It doesn’t make any sense. Did she not read my last post? NO ONE CARES ABOUT ALASKA!

But more importantly, this VP debate is pissing me off. They aren’t talking about any of the real issues. It is just Palin telling Biden how he voted on different issues and Biden saying “no I didn’t!”

“What do you expect, we are a team of Mavericks.” Palin, you are a maverick, like the Holocaust was Six Flags.

Palin just called the general by the wrong name.

Stop giving shout outs in a time of crisis!

Palin just said that she has experience to run the USA, because she has been a business owner. I didn’t realize that the pre-req for VP was to own a ACE Hardware. Palin you have about as much experience in running USA as I have in not stalking 16yr old high school girls.

Alright the debate just ended. It was getting pretty heated there for a while. All in all, I thought it was pretty good. Good answers on both sides. However, they needed to talk more about issues affecting us now, like the economy and how fucked up it is. I was somewhat impressed by Palin that she didn’t cough when Biden’s dick was hitting her trachea.

Biden won.

Sarah who?

I was thinking about ending my night with that post (see previous post), however, something I just said brought a question to mind. Who the fuck is Sarah Palin? Since when has she been anyone? And who the hell cares about Alaska? I always thought Alaska was a myth, like Narnia. Is Palin the ice-queen bitch in that movie/book? Alaska has the same appeal as a school bus fire. “I’m just a small town girl…” Small town girl? Bitch, you live in a state half the size of the USA. I don’t care if your population is 16, it’s still a big ass place. How the hell do people think the governor of Alaska is going to run America? Alaska hasn’t been part of the USA since 1893. Palin still hasn’t got the telegraph saying that Lincoln was shot. What about if something happens to McCain? What if McCain is playing basketball with all the other government officials and is accidentally shot by Dick Cheney? Is Palin supposed to step up to the plate and use her experience of 13 years as playing Jessie from Saved by the Bell? In this economy do you think we really need more Saved by the Bell actors? Dustin Diamond* was enough of a filthy douche for everyone to handle. In short, fuck Sarah Palin, fuck Dustin Diamond, and fuck Dennis Haskins (he played principle Belding. The only reason I don’t like Haskins is because we all know that he was banging Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, and I wanted to be the one that took her flower).

*Note: with a name like Dustin Diamond, you would think he would be a bad ass. Not a disgusting ugly fuck that likes to shit on people (see his movie Screeched).